The Messy Desk

I went to the loveliest wedding this past weekend. It was a morning service and a brunch reception. Very classy and great food. It's something special when you attend a wedding where the bride and groom are so beautifully in love and you know where they stand in the marriage statistics; that they'll make it as a couple throughout their whole lives.

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What are the goofy nicknames you have for your pet? Bonus points for sharing a picture of him/her.
Submitted by Papi Chulo.

I call Smokey Smokums and Smokles. I call Jerry "Geriatric Jerry", "Jeremiah", "Scragles", and "Gerald".

Smokey

Jerry

Now that I am home from Vancouver, Matt (now live-in boyfriend) is there for nine days, Well, it's a week now. He's been gone for two nights. I find I miss him quite a bit, but not in a way that's too difficult to live with. I'm so used to waking up to him every morning and falling asleep with him every night. He's always around and we eat together and grocery shop together.

It's so weird having my apartment back to the way it was. I've easily reverted to my old habits of sleeping in, eating random foods whenever I'm hungry and deciding on my own how to spend the day. I don't tell a soul where I'm going and I make plans without letting anyone know. I spend a lot of time in thought. I think of ways to be creative.

I think when Matt and I move to our new place in August, the two bedroom will be brilliant. I can't be creative in a cluttered living room. He's always doing his photography work in here and I like having the space to myself if I'm going to draw or bead or whatnot.

I'm currently at work on a graphic novel. I promised Matt I'd have three new pages for him when he got home. I was at five and now I'm at six. Two more to go. It's odd how something so fulfilling is so difficult to get started. Maybe if my creative side and my motivated side were more in sync I'd be more productive.

Sadly, I've been cleaner. That's where I'm motivated. I'll have to have a talk with dude about cleaning up his Mr. Noodle and not spilling coffee grounds and being more clean in the kitchen.

Overall, I have little to write about. Why? Because I'm happy. A happy person has nothing to write about. Which is why my graphic novel is about living with my dad. And as for him, I haven't spoken to him since Christmas 2006.

I'm getting on a plane soon. I'm going to go visit my family in Vancouver. I've always been close to them in that way you're close to family you've known all your life. They know you in ways no one else can know you. And in another way, they can never really know who you are because of that.

I'm not who I was 10 years ago. When I was 15 I was unsure. I didn't like myself. I had no confidence and I was lonely. I had friends who didn't get me and I was going through those delicious teen years. I wanted to be someone else, anyone else. I wanted to be more like my cousin Christina.

Christina partied and had lots of friends. She had respect from people and she was cool. I had always looked up to her. And when I'd sit home and feel like a reject, I'd be envious of her freedom. And I don't think she likes me. I know she loves me. We're like sisters. But I'm kind of a weird person. I've been aware of this mildly since I was a kid. I've come to accept and embrace it more these past few years. Christina isn't weird. She makes friends easily, has normal interests and is generally low maintenance. If it weren't for our ties, I don't know what we'd say to one another.

Thinking on it, I never really took the time to be myself or even like myself until grade 11. That was a year of change for me. When my mom got sick, something inside of me snapped to attention. It was as if I knew that if I didn't take opportunities to be a normal teenager then, I'd lose the chance forever.

And that's where Jen comes in. My best friend, who I'd known a few years already as a causal friend, entered my life and changed everything. I got drunk for the first time with her. We partied together. We talked till all hours of the night. We spent the night at each others' house. And that's the year I stopped being jealous of my cousin. I was finding myself and making my own fun with one of the very first people to ever get me.

Most of my friendships had been quiet before. I was the annoying one or the weirdo. I rarely was called on for fun and half the time I was too out of it to really pay attention if I was. And this is the person Christina remembers.

Flash forward a decade and I'm comfortable in my skin. I sometimes beat myself up for stupid mistakes and I'm blunt and often oblivious to how I come off to other people. But I like myself. I would want to know me now. And yet somehow when I'm with Christina, I feel yet again like I'm 15 years old because I know that's what she sees. It makes me wonder what changes in her I'm missing.

What is a "charmed life"?

A charmed life is when you're not wishing you were someone else. At least that's a starting point. I sometimes see people living what most would consider a charmed life. Maybe they have a great family and a good job and a terrific boyfriend or wife or someone special. Perhaps they are travelling the world or getting recognition for their talents or they already own their own home in their 20s. Maybe they're beautiful and educated and well-liked by everyone. And maybe they're living all of the above or various combinations of the above.

And yet it sometimes seems that those with the most going for them have the most complaints.There are times when having natural gifts and amazing opportunities isn't enough because you have unfortunately been born or nurtured with the ability to be happy.

And this is where I relate this question to our modern times and the internet. I've known people in my life who've reveled in their unhappiness and wore it like a badge. These same types of people can be found now on your facebook friends list, updating their status to something jaded or depressing each day, to remind everyone just how much love they need from you.

On the opposite end, there are those posting as many interesting things as possible, updating their travel maps to show everyone they went to high school with how adventurous they are. Or they're adding risque application after application to inform all their aquaintances that they are sexually enticing people and indirectly ask, don't you wish you could sleep with me? Or they're adding everyone they've ever known in the attempt to break 500 friends and show the world just how popular they really are.

You know who I think are living the charmed lives? That I'm aware of, anyway? The people who, simply put, are just appreciate and thankful for what they've got. They're not looking for sympathy and hugs or for adoration and envy. They're just sharing, and are clearly content with what they have going on.

Is this me? Sometimes. But I'm guilty of wanting people to find me interesting. It must be a very charmed life to not need attention.

It's been months and months since I've written here. And in that time a lot has happened.

I'm in a relationship. Back in October I started sleeping with this guy I had a crush on back in high school, the one I said wasn't relationship material because of his various issues. I didn't think he would be able to meet my needs because his sole focus had to be on getting his life in order.

Well, he's been doing that. He's quit pot, smoking, gotten off his medication, been in therapy, drug councelling, and now is planning for his future. We've been a couple for about...two or three months or so. It's hard to say. We've been friends over a year and intimate for almost 10 months, which in that time we had a pseudo relationship for about half a year, I guess. So as far how long this has been going on, it's fairly complication and entirely one big grey area. But as far as being in a committed relationship, it's been two to three months.

I resisted for several months. I was not interested in being with someone who lived so far, who had so many problems. You can't fix people. But as he started really fixing himself and then more assertively pursued a relationship with me, I gave in. And slowly, he's been showing me what kind of a man he is. He's got emotional integrity. He does what he says he will do. He communicates well. He is a gentle person, but no push over. I respect that.

And so here I am and I'm feeling strange. The man I've been sleeping with has evolved. I've not really changed, myself. I've been more myself these past many months than I can ever remember being. But in many ways I don't know... Here is the thing. I feel slightly on edge. I have not as of yet been able to put my finger on why. I've been taking alone time, cutting myself off from others trying to recharge and reflect.

And now here I am writing, trying to sort it all out. I just don't know.

In the coming days I'm going to write about the hate mail Ross sent me back in May. It's pretty juicy and whatever feelings I had towards him are now devoid of any love or fondness.

But that can wait. How I feel, and my current relationship, and everything that's present in my life now are the priorities. Like, the fact that I'm moving in six days. Or going to Ireland in less than a month. Excitement is everywhere.

It occurs to me that I've been neglecting my diary, both online and in paper. I'm wondering if this lapse has anything to do with my emotional state right now, which is shaking, failing and faltering on me.

Now here is the thing. I've made some connections that have upset me and that have empowered me, confused me, and caused me some bitterness. I fell in love with a man who is like my father. I thought I had avoided this romantic landmine when I chose someone who was gentle, romantic and even-tempered. I thought by avoiding a man who was angry, dismissive and an abuser of substances both legal and otherwise, I would be in the clear.

I was wrong. There are parellels in my father and Ross that I vaguely noticed, but now clearly see.

1. A lack of empathy.  Ross went to a strip/live sex show once while overseas on vacation without me. (As an aside note, he couldn't understand why I was sad he was going to Paris without me for two weeks, and why I couldn't just be happy for him.) He had me read that information aloud to him and then he laughed. He then could not fathom why I was mad. He reasoned, it was something he did. What did it have to do with me? With an argument like that, it's hard to make a person get it.

He also missed my grandfather's funeral reception after promising to attend. The reason he missed it was because he played board games all night and slept in all morning. I never got an apology.

He smoked a joint with some friends right in front of me, without a word to me, while I was lying on the couch, waiting to leave with him to attend my cousin's funeral services out of town.

When happening upon me while I was crying because Mother's Day was coming soon and the day is hard on me because of my mother's death in my teenage years, he opted to leave me alone and go out for ice cream with his cousins. This is especially biting because I had told him I hate to be alone when I'm sad.

Anyhow, those are just some examples. There are more, but these will do.

2. Unreliability. He was never on time, and I mean never. He would argue this to me, but saying he never promised to be anywhere for any specific time. However, that cuts no ice and only demonstrates his unreliability. You could never count on him to show up. He would cancel. He would procrastinate until it was too late to leave. He would take his time while others waited on him.

3. Sense of Entitilement and Arrogance. He would get mad at me if I put off giving or receiving affection for a few moments, such as wanting to take off my winter coat before getting pulled into his lap for a kiss. Yet, he turned down my cuddling if he was too hot. He had two bathrooms, one which had a shower curtain. If I wanted to take a shower and he wanted to use the bathroom (which takes him 10 minutes, also the length of my showers) he would use the shower curtain bathroom because he preferred it, making me wait solely for that reason.

The arrogance also relates to being late. He truly belives in his heart that his time is more important than the time of others. He will show up late to movies, and feel justified in kicking people out of the wheelchair spot, forcing them to wander in the dark theatre to look for another space, when he could have shown up on time and not caused someone an inconvenience.

He believes in total honesty all the time. He feels that being true to his thoughts and feelings comes first, even at the expense of other's feelings. He does not believe in white lies, thinking instead he should not have to make them. this has resulted in me hearing cold things along the lines of "I believe in soul mates, but you're not it." And "You don't inspire me to say loving things anymore."

4. An inflated sense of his own importance. He thinks he is the glue holding his family together. He thought he was the reason I was close with our mutual friend, when in fact he was the reason for its end. He built people up all the time, but only when you couldn't hear it. He sang my praises all over, which I heard about, but in front of people either smothered me with affection that alienated me from his friends and family or he ignored me, creating in me shy and insecure feelings.

He praises so highly anyone or anything he is associated with to build himself up to others, to say, this amazing person loves me! To this end, he does not give credit where credit is due, and tries to share credit he is undeserving of. Such as when he was frequently complimented on his hat, which I had given him. He said thanks, and nothing more. Had I not been around, I'm sure he would have attributed the gift to me, as normal people do anytime they receive a compliment on a gift. When I was thanked for being a good friend, he had to point out that he too would have been a good friend had he not been busy.

When not centre of attention, he grows irate and irritable. This happened a couple of times, but only a couple, as he is often the centre of attention and very used to it.

And these are all qualities that my father has in spades. More pronounced in my father, but really that is not a consolation. I feel duped by myself and now in my heart there is love and hate for the type of person I had tried to avoid: a my-father-type.

It's sickening.

Have you ever played matchmaker?  How did it go?

Yes, yes I have. I've set up three set of friends. Two of them bombed, but the other pair fell in love and got married. They've been together a total of four years. I was maid of honour at their wedding. I never thought they'd get married, but they're really happy together... It's amazing, really. He was her first and only boyfriend. Some people stumble onto the love of their life the first try.
I'm not sure if I envy the lack of experience, but I do long for the kind of solid bond and connection they share. At their wedding their first dance was to "Feels Like Home." I want to feel that some day. What a beautiful sentiment.

Show us something you made yourself.

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Today I was asked out via a Powerpoint presentation I received through an email from this guy I've seen a few times. I was stupefied and impressed. It was the dorkiest, most creative and weirdest way I have ever been asked on a date. How could I say no? It was too deliciously nerdy not to accept. So we're going bowling next Wednesday.

If it doesn't work out, at least I'll have a story. Powerpoint. Who does that?!